I need something to motivate me, to give me the "chutzpah" to sit down and make something. I do deal with depression. I know what motivates me sometimes is when my "love tank" is full. If I'm energized by being with people. I need positive, good quality, conversation with people. That makes me feel energized, loved and alive. Those encounters, will at times, inspire me to sit down and paint, and I've gone so far as to pick up a paint brush late 10 pm or later, at night after an evening of good conversation. It has often been said that, "I am a night owl."
But being with people doesn't always energize me either. It takes me time to process and feel that I am comfortable with many people. With some people it's a lot easier to feel comfortable with right away. And then sometimes those I am comfortable with I over think about and I end up anxious. Yes I also deal with anxiety and have most of my life. I also have OCD, moral OCD. We can talk about that later. I dont want to make you depressed (rolls eyes). Anyways moving on.
I (re) started this blog maybe a month ago or so. I started writing when parts of Richmond were in an uproar. There were protests supporting "Black Lives Matter." there was also rioting where people set a building and a bus on fire. Stores were looted and windows broken. I've never lived through experiences quite like that. I've lived through a lot though.
Was in Thailand during a coup...
Went into a country illegally on a mission trip.
Had my first alcholol on a mission trip in the Ukraine!
Been to Isreal 2 times and the first time there a couple of suicide bombs were set off!
Ive lived in New York City for a few months and as far north as Sault Saint Marie. It's so far north there is a Sault Saint Marie Canada, no joke!
I am a 38 year old single mom. My baby girl just turned three months on the 20th. I have told multiple poeple, "I didn't know if I'd ever be a mom." But then it happened.
I made choices that I never thought I'd make. I moved in with my boyfriend. Of course my family did not agree with that choice. I held out for a long time on not being intimate. I then made the choice to be with my boyfriend.
We got pregnant 6/7 months after we started being together that way. I've not felt much guilt for making that choice of being with him. Also how could I say, "I made a mistake" when I have this beautiful little girl as my daughter now.
I have less figured out now than I did coming out of three years of bible school. I have been a Christian since I was a young child. My dad shared the Billy Graham diagram of salvation. He actually drew it out on a piece of paper. Drawing simple shapes, two cliffs seperated by a chasm but bridged by Jesus' cross. He also wrote in his curvy handwriting. Most likely dating this document of spiritual choice. A life marker.
Being a christian was very much my identity. I had an "aha moment" (as Oprah likes to say) when I was in Therapy one day that my faith was a very performance based for me. I felt anger about feeling like the "adults" in my life had taught me wrong all my life. Faith wasn't supposed to be motivated and lived that way. It felt like a sham.
My faith and walk with God has been steady in some ways but also evolving in other and sometimes big ways.
When I decided to have sex, yes I said that 3 letter word: sex I was kind of testing God. Like will you strike me from heaven? Will you turn your back on me.
It was a very personal experience for me when it finally happened. It was actually very special. I was in a committed relationship, I loved him. We had also waited for a long time.
I come from a background that is very morally agaisnt having sex or being sexual until a person is married. I do question that. Im not so sure God is so black and white. I'm afraid to even put that out there.
I read a book called "Good Christian Sex." one of the premises that stayed with me from that book is that your actions sexually with someone need to be based in love. You can be technically "pure" but not motivated with love toward someone in your actions toward them romantically. And then on the flip side you can be very committed, open and honest with your partner and not be married. Marriage doesn't automatically mean that people are treated each other in their sexual relationship in a "Godly" and loving way.
There's "new to me" ways of thinking about sex and relationships that I've had or listened to that I wouldn't normally share with "Christians" Im usually around. Alot of poeple I know would consider my viewpoints or viewpoints I've heard and been open to as wrong.
I've also been "deconstructing" as I've been healing from my toxic christianity. I am not as moralistic and judgemental as I used to be. I hope I'm not as judgemental.
I remember after finding out I was pregnant that I was glad I was outside of that glass house. The house of "Christianity" where you must be a virgin. I had stepped over that invisible line. I wasn't untarnised and highly praised as a virgin, an example anymore. But most of those voices were inside my own head.
I grew up in the age of Joshua Harris' book, "I kissed dating goodbye." I heard someone say that that book wrecked it for me. There definitely was a culture that rubbed off on me of taking dating sooo very seriously. I have wished I had started dating when I was like 16 or 18. Instead I started, I'm not joking, dating at the ripe old age of 30. I dated, we'll call him Beau. He was a tall beautiful black man with soft luscious lips. Beau was a beautiful man.
He had come to Virginia from the Bahamas on a scholarship to a local Christian university. About 3 months in he shared a big important piece of information with me. He had not shared it with me earlier because I would "freak out" about stuff. I've always dealt with anxiety and also the extreme conservative background and carefulness when it came to dating didn't help me to be relaxed.
Finally one day Beau told me that he was illegal. At first I was measured and seemed ok with the information. I told him I had also taught children in Thailand that didn't belong anywhere either.
He informed me that he had come to the US on a sports scholarship. Beau was here on a student visa. He let it lapse. In hind site he said he should have gone to Canada to get it renewed. He felt that he deserved to become a legal citizen. what i learned was that if he was caught he would be imprisoned for a while and deported and not allowed back into the US for 10 years. I definitely am now at a place where I am sympathetic to Illegal Immigrants. And my experience with Beau is one of the reasons, one of the people why. Illegal Immigrants are real people too. I do come from a flavor of Christianity that is more "binary" more black and white even when it comes to the law. A lot of people in my circles feel that illegals need to be here the lawful way. I've personally known and basically dated 3 men that have been illegal. What I do know, as my own thoughts and not thoughts of the collective christian culture bubble whole, is that number one, these are real people with real lives. Number two becoming legal in the states is not an easy process and I think it should be simpler. Maybe you've noticed I haven't fully laid out what I feel or believe about illegals. Again I am sympathetic to them. I do get scared about putting out some of my feelings beliefs that are more liberal. I don't want to hear it from people that feel or believe differently than I do. Let me ask you this question, "Do you personally know anyone that is illegal?" If you don't, than please don't give me your opinion on the matter.
I think that is a good mindset to have. To not make a hard and fast decision morally on an issue until you know someone personally (and as I say that sentence I am emphasizing "SOMEONE PERSONALLY") that embodies that experience or that "sin". For my conservative christian friends out there, Do you know someone that has had an abortion? Do you know an illegal immigrant? Are you friends with a gay, bi or trans person?
(Yikes, I am "postpartum." I'm 3 months out from pushing a 7 pound 7 oz. baby out of my lady parts...which gave way. They tore! I've said multiple times that "Savannah brok my butt." I worked today, it's not even 10 pm and I've started crashing. I was up at 6:30 to feed my little one. My eyelids feel heavy and dry.
(Oh boy it's like 10:14 pm and I feel ready for bed! I keep backtracking on this blog and editing words my blog post template underlines red, and I keep adding thoughts. Making what I write easier to read...I close my eyes and rest for a few moments. Yo yo Ma Pandora radio plays in the background. My growing baby girl is asleep on her back in the cutest button up Target PJs in Grey trimmed, teal polka dots and neon orange snaps. Her legs are tucked up under her in that quintessential baby style. Arms up by her head, hands in fists. Baby girl is a good sleeper... oh yes, I should probably feed her one more time before I head to bed other wise she will be up even earlier than we were up this am... Its not an eating schedule that is "scheduled". sometimes when I am tired like this I want to just go to bed and feed Savannah whenever she decides by herself to wake up, but I don't want to wake up around 3:30. Id rather wake up at 6:30.
I'll often put Netflix or Hulu on while I am breastfeeding or bottle feeding Savannah. I know I'm tired when I'm sitting up these postpartum days and I feel painfully tired. Where if I closed my eyes long enough (and it may not be that long) I will fall asleep. I will fall asleep sitting up. Sometimes I'll be holding Savannah and sitting their tired. I'll actually jerk, kinda come too cus I'm so tired. That's the phase before closing my eyes and sleeping.
My battery on my computer is also running super low. I want to get the link to this my newest blog post shared on my FB.
I do enjoy writing. I actually live my life and think about how an experience, even an insignificant small experience might be written about or documented. This happens to me often. It's usually as if someone else documented that moment of my life. Not myself.
I do one day want to write a book. That can feel overwhelming but then I think the book could be short and the chapters could be like blog posts.
I'm gonna get off here soon and probably feed my sleepy/sleeping baby daughter. Sleep tight.
