The World is on Fire

It's been a hard day for me today.

I started as I always do now, by waking up early with my two months and eleven days old baby girl Savannah. Today, new mom luck, we woke up together, at the same time without her crying, seriously, a little after 6 am.  It seems the last two days our early morning "breakfast dates" have drawn on past the normal-ish one hour to closer to two hours. Is this normal? I think she's having a growth spurt. Mind you our "breakfast dates" are Savannah enjoying breakfast, usually a two part meal of mommy milk and formula. If I eat anything it's a glass of chocolate milk and maybe one or two bars, maybe a banana. My official breakfast with regular to decaf coffee comes hours later.

Feeding and being up with baby girl I tend to be so very tired. Often our night/early morning feedings I'm kinda in a la la, I've been sleep deprived for over two months numbness, state of mind. I often get on my iphone. I've heard the term "mental load" these days and being on my phone doesn't feel like that, kinda the opposite. It's a vegging out escape.  Also I don't remember that I've fallen asleep yet while looking at my phone.  

I've tried listening to books on tape and podcasts but inevitably I fall asleep, no joke.  Its the worst feeling for me, to fall asleep, not on purpose while a book plays in the background.  I can't enjoy that bit of media because I am so painfully tired.  So tired I find myself nodding off... I cant even focus... "oh no the baby is crying"... shit faced tired. 

I'll be sitting up, baby in my arms and I'll start dreaming.  But I do wake up and take care of her.  If she stays in my arms "to sleep" I've made the decision to have her there.  Most of the time though I will put her back in her wicker Moses basket... and sometimes she is wide awake at that point!  Soo cute but not where I'm headed with this post. Ha! :)

I've been cocooned, in this tiny white-with a turquoise door, house since my relationship with Savannah's dad started to crumble.  It's been a safe haven for me.  Finding this place to live actually happened easily.  I have a friend "S." that I met years ago.  We didn't do much together. Hung out a few times.  We spent time together a few years ago at Maymont Park here in Richmond, Virginia. We talked at length about the house she lived at and was renting a room to another young woman. Little did I know that in a few short years I'd be living with her.  Living with her throughout the majority of my pregnancy, starting my labor here and bringing home a tiny 7 pound 7 oz. baby girl.  Yup, I did not fathom that at all! (Yes, I did use the word "fathom."  I like big words and I cannot lie.  Ok it's pretty late.  I may stop "editing and fixing things up to this point."  You can mentally edit the worst of my mistakes from here on out. Remember I'm a new mom. It's not an excuse She's a living breathing reality!)

I do believe in God.  My faith has been a struggle.  It's been a journey.   I have things less figured out than I did 10 years ago.  Hmmm, 10 years ago I was 28. Where was I at that point? I have to think back. It would have been the year 2010.  (My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2012...) oh yeah, I was back in Richmond for my 2nd time of living here. I've lived in Richmond 3 times now.

 I lived in Fulton Hill, volunteering full time with Youth With a Mission. I had initially moved to Richmond, for some reason I wanted to get my CNA training here. Don't ask me why. I don't remember my motivation.  

Of course I did not know that I would someday move back for my third time and stay for now over 4 years. Four years! Wow that's crazy.

I guess my writing style tonight is "stream of consciousness."

Ive been dealing with anxiety and depression today. Like I said my day started early feeding Savannah and being up with her for over an hour.  I got into my phone and on Facebook. A friend of mine on Facebook posted videos of the craziness happening in my city last night.

Some back story, an African American man was bruttally murdered by a policeman recently.  The victim wasn't even doing anything dangerous.  It was a senseless killing.  People want justice and have been motivated to take to the streets in protest.  Many have protested peacefully but there has also been rioting, vandalism, looting and setting things on fire-in one word "Violence."  I don't know much about what is happening.  

I have seen many posts on Facebook and Instagram about people standing with our Black brothers and sisters.  

To be honest I do not have the brain bandwidth to try and delve into that situation and feel empathy. Remember I am a new mom.  My world is Savannah and I am her "moon."  I orbit around her at this point. My day and night rises and falls with her.  A sleep deprived, hormonal, part time working, over eating (can we say "Cookout Shakes") moon.  

I did feel a visceral discomfort and pain from viewing those videos. Especially the video where people are throwing Molatov Cocktails into the Women's Confederate Building.  I don't even know the official name of that building. Its right next to the VMFA.  I could look it up but I'll just let you do that.

It's just crazy. I don't understand that mentality. A mentality to fight back, an eye for an eye. An acting out in violence and destruction. (To see violence on TV on shows, knowing that it's not real is one thing. And I don't like to watch shows that are gratuitously violent. I can't handle it. It doesn't feel good to me to watch and it is over stimulating.)  How much more knowing when those men and women throw their "cocktails" of fire into that building and the flames erupt it's really happening.  I know poeple that live across the street. God loving, family loving, peaceful, ethnically diverse people who feel the safety and peace of their city is being destroyed.  I read an Instagram post by a young woman I know who had their little toddler sleeping in bed with them late last night as they heard the violence happening across the street. It's just too much.  

I also have a lot going on in my own little world. (Or to "harken" back to my previous allegory, my own little universe.) I need to find a place for me and baby girl to live in the beginning of August.  I don't know where we will live.  I vented to the pastor about it from the church I go to as I loaded up on free groceries.  I just started working part time. I'm thankful for my little job, but it's not easy being up in the night to care for a newborn then to turn around sometimes after going back to sleep for awhile and heading to work for a number of hours.  I need to work, I need to make money to provide for me and baby girl.

I know right now I'm in that "pinchy" discomfort of not knowing the heck where I'm going to live; where we're going to live. How I'm going to pay for it.  Her dad will help out.  I do feel the weight of our worlds resting, pressing on my shoulders.  I guess many people would say, welcome to the world of a single mom, welcome to the world of parenting.  The joke is on you. 

But like I said it was "easy" the way I slid into this home, this safe haven I have been living at since last Sept. I believe September was when I officially moved in.  I found out I was pregnant beginning of July.  

Its been the perfect place to be pregnant. My room is on the ground floor and there is a private bathroom with a tub and toilet.  I've Especially needed and utilized the toilet while being pregnant and postpartum.  I'll put it this way, "both ends" and "never trust a fart."  

Oh right... there's crazy people destroying private businesses and vehicles, setting dumpsters, a bus and a public historical building on fire, ANNNND on top of that we are in the middle of a FUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC. That was one thing that I've been aware of while seeing footage of these protests....um what about social distancing? Are we going to see a surge in Corona-virus outbreaks because of the large numbers of people gathering together to protest?  

Savvy (Savannah's nickname) and I spent time with her dad today. I told him when I walked in, "The World is on fire."  It's just crazy. So much is happening in this season of life, just everywhere. It also seems like the outside world is going insane... thousands have died around the world because of the Pandemic, we wear masks and practice social distancing. People are going crazy setting things on fire and rioting... and then many people's personal lives are "too much to handle."  Pardon my "French" but the shit keeps hitting the fan... over and over and over again. 

The uncertainty is global. The unheaval is global... then local.... then personal.  The world is on fire... 

My brain and body have been on fire today.  I am also in that phase called "Post partum."  Us women deal with so much.  I gave birth over two months ago.  I had a stage 4 tear... front to back... yada yada yada... and then I was reminded recently, oh you could start having your period again. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."  I think my hormones have been shifting recently.  Hormonal changes isn't a dynamic men should tease women about... or flippantly blame a women for her moodiness on "hormones." Dealing with hormones weather it's during pregnancy, postpartum, periods and yes even ovulation is not easy. Its tough and can even effect our moods... and at a physical level we can't do anything about it. We have to cope and let the waves of chemicals course through our bodies. And while our brains and bodies are on fire, we better not light anything or anyone else on fire.  Women are bad-asses. We are amazing with what we do with our bodies. My body is amazing. Even if Ive put on a few pounds, I fart like I never have before. The stage 4 tear effected and changed my neither regions in some ways that I'm still dealing with and may always deal with.  My body built a baby, pushed it out of a small hole, (oh yea that hole ripped), is now feeding that baby and then decides lets prepare and get ready to maybe have another one, and lets do it right away.  My body is A MA ZING. Fucking amazing.

If you've "been there, done that" you know the post partum struggle I am referring to.  

I don't like it when I feel this way.  The way I have felt today, (ok yesterday, it's after 1 am now) I've tried to push through the brain fog, emotional fog of my feelings and feel better. I've tried some "mind over matter" thinking. Ive learned that it helps me at times to realize very specifically that I am feeling anxiety. To step back and be like, this is what I'm feeling. Anxiety is talking right now, but lets see if I can look at it in a different perspective.   

I also listened to my churches online service. That brought some, as they would say, (and who is they anyway??) "Balm to my soul."  

I know God and life will make a way.  We wont end up on the streets.  Something will work out. Something has to work out. It always has. Which isn't a cliche... since it is real life. Since I have lived it.  This little home I live in "worked out." The insurance to cover my prenatal visits and then labor and deliver and then being readmitted into the hospital, um yes both baby and me the week after she was born, worked out.  Just amazing ways of being taken care of.  The timing of so many events has been perfect too.  "Working out." 

The world may be burning, I may be burning.... but I am on a solid rock.  He's not going anywhere.  I just have to keep moving forward. I just need to get up tomorrow and the next day, keeping praying and turning my heart toward trust and hope. Asking God to give me those feelings of trust. "Help me to believe..."

I do know that He will provide a home for Savannah and I to live in.  

The world may be on fire... but I do have "this Hope" this person who is Hope with me. I have experienced His guidance and help time and time again. I know and have experienced this in between, this uncomfortable "pinchy" period where I don't know how I will survive. I don't know what the heck is going to happen next.  I've even gotten sick being so anxious while I was pregant.

 Life doesn't end.  As "they" say, and it is true "Things work out." It doesn't mean life won't be hard.  It doesn't mean people won't get sick, it doesn't mean people won't die even... (my mom died, which is another story in and of itself) but as long as I'm breathing and moving, and making choices to push through and knock on doors until one opens, "things work out."  

So this is a new blog I just started. I had a "Previous" blog at www.journeygirl4god.blogspot.com for years. And then I stopped writing in that blog for about 5 years.  

I am wanting to get back into writing.  I have a lot of "life experiences" as "they" say.  And there's so much going on in the world and in my world.  When I write, I often need to write, I have the impulse from an emotional place. Today I have felt heavy, and yucky and yes anxiety and depression. So i did have that impluse.  That emotional catalyst of I want to communicate the weight of this life Im living, feeling and expericning today.

It's now after midnight. My baby is sleeping in her moses basket. She is stirring a bit. My eyes are sticky and dry from tiredness.  I'll finish writing this and attempt to clean up the spelling errors and maybe grammer issues for awhile.  But maybe I'll let it be as is and head to bed soon.

I am so thankful for my little white house of a home with the turquoise door.  Even if the world is on fire... my baby girl and I are safe and sound, at least for another night.